failure

I miss XANGA & MYSPACE surveys, so here's a golden gem...


Who, out of all your friends, do you trust the most?
friends? what are friends?

Think back to your last kiss; Looking back now, was it a mistake?
i honestly thought i was gonna be raped for a second. he had this crazy look in his eye and at one point he said "lets get it on"

Do you have a crush on anyone?
no girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!

What is your current mood, and what put you in it?
i feel like someone definitely touced my drum set...
okay enough movie quotes:
i feel...weird? i feel like i know my future, but have noo idea how to obtain it.
correction: i know precisely how to obtain it, but all that work...

If you could only drink one thing for a month, what would it be?
water. me skin needs a-clearing.

Honestly, what is your opinion of your last ex?
he coulda been a good friend.

What is your "outlet?"
you know whats weird? when people don't want to answer a question on a survey, so they talk about something random in place of it. they could just delete the question, but no. it destroys the intergrity.

Do you have a Formspring? How about a Twitter?
no and no. i've never been on twitter AND I NEVER WILL

What did you do last weekend?
went on a 'date'. psch please. boy doesn't know who the Avengers are. how could that ever be?!

When's the last time you felt betrayed?
just this evening. my dog deserted me for the sofa.

What's the worst rumor you've ever heard about yourself?
that my feet smelled.

okay, so that wasn't a rumor. it was told right to my face. and it was said out of rage. because, lets face it, who could be legitimately mad at THIS?

What has been your best month and worst month so far this year, and why?
BEST: may = london. hmmm...but march & august = disneyland, so...thats a toughy.
WORST: february. who even likes it? no one - thats who.

Check your phone; Who's the newest text from? What does it say? Oldest text?
my phone doesn't work like that. this is the nineties already. get with the program.

Who do you have texts from right now?
my phone is dead.
(rephrasing: it might be dead. it's clear across the room, so we're just gonna go with 'dead')

Would you rather cheat, or be cheated on? Why?
i think i would have loads more emotional trauma if my diet cheated on me than if i cheated on it.

If you had a plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go?
LOOP HOLE! i would have one of those around-the-world tickets that would take me to australia, london, and hong kong. BAHM.

Honestly, are you trustworthy?
si

When's the last time you were drunk or high?
i've only ever been drunk once, and it was terribly weird. and it was fourish years ago.

Who's the last person you had a serious conversation with?
sirs alex and ryan about my standards in future mates.
it was a short conversation. more of a statement, really.

What song describes your life right now?
we are the champions - queen.

Do you like where you live?
its grown on me.

Do you prefer cuddling or making out?
uhh there are preschool toys present.

Which friend do you miss right now?
friends? what are fr - oh you get it.

What's the worst thing a boyfriend/girlfriend has ever done to you?
well i've only had one, technically. and i walked all over him, sadly. i am not proud of it, but it was what it was. so...i don't know. i dont think he did anything wrong. WAIT he took me swing dancing! never. again.

Are you a forgiving person?
suure.

Where's your favorite place to get ice cream?
the freezer. always stocked with my favorite flavors. brilliant.

What's the last concert you went to?
bobby long.

Who did you hang out with last?
sharaya

Are you usually in drama, or trying to fix it?
i used to be one of those glorious "i hate drama! blah blah blah" and then i'd instigate it. ohh i don't know how i ever had friends.

What is your biggest mistake this year?
stopping the whole 'midnight movie every weekend'. was i high or something?

If you could go back and redo things with your last ex, would you?
no that ship sailed ages ago. AND things have turned out just as i told him they would. he found unconditional love / a future wife, and i have started collecting self-sufficient, attitude-ridden pets. do i know us or what?!

In general, do you like girls or boys better?
boys allot for more sass, so...

What's the last movie you saw? Who were you with?
vampires suck NOT ON A DATE with chris.

Which friends' houses have you been at this month?
remember back when i was saying its crazy people don't just delete questions they don't want answer? yeahh...still believe it.

Ever been to a haunted house?
yes. this is where boys come in handy.

Have you ever moved?
no, i was born on this very couch.

Where did your last kiss take place?
the late Gus. RIP.

Ever broken a bone?
just my middle finger.

Do you prefer coffee or soda?
coffee soda. soda coffee. soffee...coda...hmm

What's your favorite kind of shoe to wear?
flats. i like to feel the broken glass on my feet =]

Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most?
i can't. hes dead...

Have you forgiven that person?
i suppose so. it wasn't his fault, really. i mean sure he had some anger issues, but ultimately it was the Emperor and his ne'erdowell tactics that turned him...

How many people have you liked this year?
i've liked a great many. i don't ration out my likings.

Would you consider yourself outgoing or shy?
i'm quiet.

Who's your go-to venting person?
buddy - he's a good listener.
...unless someone has cheese, in which case, forget it.

What's your longest road trip?
twentyish hours driving. one day, though, pan american hwy! like five months!

Favorite board game?
scrabble. i like words.

Have you ever been caught making out with someone?
not that i know of. i think PDA is pretty icky.

Where are you right now?
riiiight here.

Who's your most recent missed call from?
you don't even look good when youre singing.

Who's the last person you took a picture of?
allison lucy
(fact: she's named after lucy pevensie. how cool is that?!)

Have you ever done anything illegal?
well...duh. i used to drive with friends before the six month period was up allll the time!

What's your favorite sport to play? To watch?
"wanna go do karate in the garage?"
"yup!"

If you could say anything to one person, what would it be?
i'll put a spell on you. you'll fall asleep & when you wake i'll be the first thing you see and you'll realize that you love me. yeahh.

ordinary people

There is no heavier burden than a great potential. - Charlie Brown



I've really been getting into the late great princesses. Namely, Her Serene Highness Princess of Monaco and Her Royal Highness, the Princess of Wales. The grace and style they both had is so inspiring. The whole idea of being a princess has always had little girls dreaming from Hans Christian Anderson to Princess Di. Still, there's something so intimidating and fantastic about being an actual, real life princess. I'm sure it would be blisteringly hard, but it seems like the whole job would be so incredible every day. What I wouldn't give to have spent a day with them.

burn out brighter

It's better to burn out than to fade away - Kurt Cobain

I posted on my FB status that I was bored and wanted to do something extraordinary. My aunt commented and suggested I accompany her and her grandkids (= my semi cousins) to Disneyland in two weeks. I accepted. They all live about two hours from the park so I'll be doing a bit of solo travel. I love travelling. I love the view from airplanes and airport book shops and the sense of accomplishment after getting from a completely foreign airport to an equally foreign hotel without assistance.


I don't think I've mentioned it here yet, but my current goal is to get to every continent before my 21st birthday.

21st birthday = Dec 27th 2011.
Continents untouched thus far = 5.
(I've got a lot of work to do.)


Why this goal, you ask? It's quite simple: I don't want to grow up. I'm not neccesarily scared of adulthood, or too immature for it. No, no, no. I just don't want to. This whole plan is just a giant coverup for the fact that I don't have a career planned out because I don't want one*. I don't want to be a receptionist forever, but I know the second I say "this is what I want to do with my life" is the day my life changes. People will expect things of me, I will probably have to go to school, move out, buy my own car, live alone, take fewer vacations, pay for health insurance, etc. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to live by myself. I don't want "big people" responsibilities and I certainly don't want to start 'the rest of my life' this soon.
Also - and it's just the tiniest part of me - I want to prove that I can still be extraordinary. All my past friends that for one reason or another dubbed me as unworthy are still living in the same small towns with (and without) the same monotonous jobs. They go to parties and get drunk and that's it for them. When I posted my pictures of London, they gaped and awed. It's like theres a world out there that no one knows about, and certainly don't want to leave their comfortable lives to go explore.

This year my English bff was to be in the country for the year and we had plans of going to Time Square for New Years as he couldn't go home to celebrate. Well, his program was terminated early, and thus my plans were too. Bummer. But this means that instead of staying in the country this winter, I can leave it! (november is technically fall, isn't it?) In February I'm taking a cruise from Argentina to Antarctica. Yes, Antarctica. Who goes there?! I do. It's a continent that must be conqured. This means: after Feb I'll only have two continents left and ten months in which to conquer them in. I relish the challenge.


*I geniunely want to be a writer more than anything. Novels and screenplays. However, this is not recognized in society as a 'career'. It's more of a childish interpretation of actual adult jobs.

sweet disposition

"A ship in the harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for."
- John Shedd


I am a person who gets scared easily. I freak out before making tough phone calls. I avoid asking hard or potentially stupid questions. I'm am absolute chicken when it comes right down to it. Sure, I'll galavant in a gorilla suit in public, but going up to a saleman and ask for assistance? I don't think so.

Maybe it's not fear. Maybe it's pride. I don't like to be thought of as weak. I don't like people thinking I'm vunerable. I'd rather be wrong than needy, and I don't even like being wrong. (Who does, right?)

That's not the secret but I know what is: Everybody dies but not everyone lives.

Well, I'm sick of this. I can't live a life of fear anymore. That's not a life at all. After calling my closest friends in an attempt to get a pal for the Frenchie outing and reaching nothing but dead ends, I had an epiphany: I don't need other people to feel secure. At the end of the day, the life I lead is the life I need to be okay with. I can't live depending on other people; nothing would ever be accomplished.

I spoke with my retired neighbors today about my plans to visit Cairns, Australia this fall. They went to Sydney recently and told me how incredible it was and all the things that could be done there. I'm thinking about taking 2ish weeks off of work and heading to Cairns and Sydney. I want to stay in hostels and I don't want to be nervous about going solo at the beach or restaurants anymore. I just want to start living again.

lalaland

How big you make it is all about how far you take it. - Fame

I have just been introduced to the latest Miley Cyrus video. You know, the one where she's grinding around in a one piece at a museum?

Yeah, that one.

I have never feared more for the childhood role models of my poor neice. Britney Spears did a video similar to this one in the 90's. Guess what happened less than ten years later? Oh yeah, a public mental / emotional breakdown. I know everyone says - and has for years - that Miley is fast becoming the next Britney, but there is one similar trait that stands out to me: the apparent ignorance that what they are doing and how they are acting is not typical for girls their age. If anything, they are the ones who influence those few sluts. Chuck Klosterman once interviewed Britney and wrote about the experience in his book, A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas. He debates whether or not she has truly been brainwashed by the people surrounding and controlling her, or if she is actually an amazing businesswoman who has learned all the right words to say to continue to get away with it. Either way, they are forces to be reckoned with.

In my opinion, there really aren't many good role models for girls out there right now. Clearly you know my stance on Miley, but even on the flip side: Taylor Swift. She reportedly jumps from boy to boy and writes songs about how naive and grudge-holding she is. And these are the moguls girls are supposed to emulate! I just want a few good girls. A few virtuous celebrities that aren't known for their boyfriends or their parties. Not to put expectations upon people, but as the looks of it Amanda Seyfrield is looking to be an amazing candidate. Carrie Underwood as well. I just hope that by the time my neice is my age, Hollywood will be more about talent and optimism than sex and hookups.

But, who am I kidding? This is Hollywood, right?

like you imagined

"In this world there are two great tragedies: one is not getting what one wants; the other is getting it. The last is much the worst." - George Bernard Shaw

I'm pretty bad with consistency. You should know that from the get-go.

Disneyland was super fun. The rental car sucked, but the second I walked in the oondo I was so relieved and excited. I spent five hours in Disneyland and was already bored. The line at Space Mountain was only fifteen minutes long! I had accomplished everything I wanted to by the five hour mark and just tried to absorb as much as possible before I left.

Honestly, out of everything I've done, this is probably my greatest accomplishment thus far. High school graduation, yeah okay. Cool. Performing at Northgate and Alderwood malls? Working three jobs? I don't know - it just doesn't satisfy me. Going to California by myself, arranging it by myself, and executing it solo? Ohh yes. I feel like I've become extremely dependant. That, and I don't consider doing things that are expected of me to be "accomplishments".

Next huge step: London. I'm going in roughly twentyish days. By myself. I'll be in Liverpool for a few days, then London, then I figure, why not Paris? I've talked about it so much I just want to do it finally. I need to decide if I DO want to move there, and if so I'll get the ball rolling, that sort of thing. I'm pretty stoked but pretty freaked at the same time =]

bury the castle.

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney

I've acquired an odd fasination with Walt Disney. He was really daring and geniune, it seems. I love people that believe in maintaining child-like enthusiasm and imagination.

I'm leaving in one week for Disneyland. I fly out on Tuesday morning, go to Disneyland on Tuesday, sleep at the condo, fly home on Wednesday & head straight to work.

I'm having a really hard time grasping the slipping sensation of Europe. I feel kind of stuck because I've been convinced that I can't settle in anywhere until I go to Europe, but I'm so wretched at saving money. It's happening sooo slowly. I think it's partly because I'm pretty scared of going alone, with just a backpack and free will.

Oh, I got into my first ever car accident on Thursday. My poor 20 year old car is apparently down for good. If it were a newer car the damage wouldn't be so bad, they told me. My gramma bought the car new, so it's been in the family since the beginning of time. Poor old fart =[ They guy who hit me was coming out of a parking lot and trying to cross three lanes of traffic. He didn't speak much English, but what he did get out was, "It's your fault!". Except, it's the back of my car, and the side of his, so...there's no way. Oh well.

Last month my friend decided to terminate our friendship on the basis that my life was too stressful for her. It's true, I suppose, that I'm a 24/7 kind of person. I'm always looking for the next biggest adventure and my life motto is "I don't need rest; I'll sleep when I'm dead." Still, it was a bit disheartening when, in the heat of the arguement, she said: "you can't not do things". (ever the eloquent speaker.) So, being my typical stubborn self, I decided to give that a go. I wasn't going to do any 'things'. I'd do the typical 'go to a friends house and watch television/go to the cinema/shop for regular things'.


A month later, I've done it...and I never want to go back. It's a shame my friends tend to burn out so quickly. When we were friends, we had plans. Big, big plans. Now that it's no longer, I saw a fb status update (something I try to avoid. It's a general rule in my book to 'out of sight out of mind' someone that decides I'm no longer worth breathing the same air as.) Anyway, I saw her status read something about school. Throughtout our bffship (friendship = 5 years; bffship = 1.5 years) she hated school to the point of dropping out TWICE. She got kicked out of programs due to low GPAs and not showing up, etc. So, I don't know I guess it just saddens me to see people change like that. To force themselves to do something because it's common or expected.


Although, she wasn't the best friend I've ever had. Quite frankly she wasn't in the Top Five. I feel that's why
A. I let the friendship end so easily. I even forgot to tell my mom until she asked about her.
B. I'm not that torn about her choice to return to something she hates.
C. I'm so determined to do what we both said we'd do, first. We were in the middle of writing a screenplay - a really, really good one, too - when the friendship imploded. We decided to give the movie-making thing a try to see if we were right about it being our (seperate) calling(s). We were right, at least in my case.

So, her going back to school either makes it seem like the whole thing was a lie, or she's given up.

There's nothing more heartbreaking that someone that gives up on their dreams.

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

- Winston Churchill

photo credit: Facebook S&S Photography

I've been called upon to help with a telethon for Haiti. At first I was pretty against throwing money at the Hatians without giving them any assistance, but, I realized, it's better to do a little bit than to do nothing at all. As they say, every little bit counts.

I'm a bit sad right now. Looking out the window I can see bright blue skies and the sun high in the sky - something that I've rarely been able to witness over the past few months. With the sun beating down on the windows and making everything warm inside, I want to go outside and play. Alas, take one step outside and you freeze to death. The weather here is oh so sneaky like that.

Around Christmastime, I was really wanting to go to Disneyland (I went twice last year: once in March and then again in October.) It's probably my favorite place ever right now. Due to my overbearing work schedules I haven't been able to do anything awesome recently, which is killing me. Ordinarily a trip to La Push or a midnight run to the Sonic in Portland would cure that, but I need something kind of big. There's a delicious coffee stand in the San Fran airport, so I'm thinking about heading there or to Disneyland for one day. We'll see...

times, they are a-changin'

I've decided to be someone else for a little while. I really admire artistic people and fashionistas. I've taken a huge eye to heels and dresses and skirts, and I really am getting into photographs.


There's this website: http://www.polyvore.com/ that is my absolute favorite. Any article of clothing / handbag / shoe you could possibly find is all on this site, and you can then take them & make outfits out of them. I'm pathetically addicted, and now I desperately want to do loads of shopping!

I'll think I'll start doing a photo of the post. Here's todays:

The great forest of La Push. I really want to go back. Additionally, the hair product Andrea put in my hair today smelled like an airport. Whilst this wasn't exactly positive, I now want to go to the airport & take a flight. I dont even really care where.

I'm currently watching the news as they are broadcasting about the Olympics. I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty awesome that trillions of people are congregating in the same city I venture to for cinematic adventures. Its the ol' "I knew ______ before it was big" feeling. Classic.

Sugar Baby

I'm leaving in May for Europe. I've decided to just sort of back pack through it on account of the fact that

A. hotels are so expensive for more than thirty days.
B. it's far too complicated to try to work out getting a work permit for a menial job.

I'm a pretty high maintenance girl when it comes right down to it. I don't wear much makeup, but I do wear a bit, and I always do my hair (now, again). Whilst I can live out of a suitcase, and from hotel to hotel, I don't know how I'm going to do living out of a backpack and living hostel to hostel. Anyway, I'm trying to train my hair to not need a straightener, and its not an easy feat. The good news is that its getting back to its uberlong length so the weight of it all is helping keep the curls on the DL.

In partially other news, my Westie Sugar has had a downright disgusting ear infection, so I took her to the vet today. Turns out she also has a skin infection, her gums are disintegrating, and she's getting arthritis in her knees. I'll have you know this is her third time since Thanksgiving that she's been to the vet, so don't go thinking she's been neglected. Well, the vet said that if I start all the medications and baths today & keep up on her vet visits and junk, she should be all better within six months.

May we review the top of this post? Yeaah...I've been planning to leave in May for three months for a long time now. I'm really...puzzled. I don't want to give Sugar away, & quite frankly I'm starting to get accustomed to waiting to leave (mo money). The big problem is that a year ago I told everyone that I was moving to California in August 09. Then I told them I was moving to CA in January. Then I said I was going to Europe in April with a friend. Then I said May. This is the first time it's my fault for the pushback, but it's just so embarassing. I almost feel like disappearing in May and pretending I've left. It's so irritating!! I hate having to tell people I didn't do what I said I was going to. I feel like a failure.


...because I failed.

I can't get no satisfaction.

Yesterday is notoriously the most common day for suicide
in the nation.
Congratulations on surviving it.

I've yet again plummetted into a quarter life crisis.
I can tell you right now, this wasn't supposed to be my life. As much as I hate that phrase, it really rings true right now. Had you asked me when I was thirteen where I saw myself at nineteen, it would not have included the words "three jobs" and "parents house" or even "seattle". I let things go too easily, and I don't try to live in the moment. A part of me wants things to be how they were. A part of me just wants emmense change.

I am a list maker, and due to that, I have a bucket list, I have lists of things I generally want to do (fencing, archery, etc.) and I have an extensive list of places I wish to live. Despite all of this, I'm sitting here at my parents' kitchen table debating whether or not I should go to the post office to apply for my passport, soley because I'm not keen on getting my picture taken. I feel pathetic, especially because I can't live in any of the places I want to live without a passport. I want to go back to Vancouver more than anything, too.

I feel I'm not the only one who's dissatisfied with their lives right now...that new show The Buried Life on MTV looks super super cool. I love watching people do the things I'm too lazy and petrified to do myself.

I'm going to the post office.


peaches.

Teen Job Chop.

Every Saturday at work I peruse that week's Sunday Times. Today I stumbled upon the 'Letter's to the Editor' section about their article on the decline of teen jobs, and how it is impacting teenagers. These letters were all from angry stereotypical adults who believe every teenager on God's green earth does nothing - and desires nothing more -but sit infront of their computer on "their websites". They all slam the teenage work ethic and claim we are a useless lot. I have two problems with this.

A. We learned our work ethic from someone, didn't we?
B. I have more jobs - and get praise from said jobs - than most adults I know. Yet, still, I'm the incapable fool? I don't think so.

There was one letter that said "teens bring little or nothing to the table but a misguided sense of entitlement...". I'm sorry, but where does yours come from? If I am equally qualified, it is fair game, my friend. Another letter claimed we, the youth, are more reluctant to work extra hours, even for pay. Why yes, with employers who carry this attitude, I would rather slice my ear off than sit and be treated with little to no respect. (Don't misread this: Respect ought to be earned, but there needs to be opportunity in which to earn it.) Finally, the topic was brought up about teens' ignorance when it comes to grammar and punctuation. I enjoy this, as we are the generation born into computers. I understand the limited vocabulary as a result, but the typos just seem more inappropriate.

So, there is not doubt there are the fools that ought to reserve themselves soley for fast food joints, I do not appreciate the stereotype. I also understand most of this is coming from grumpy adults who probably got their jobs takens away as a result of the poor choices they and their parents made years ago. However, I have the sense of mind to know it does not condone robbing youth of their feelings of self worth. It's not our fault you have too much pride to look for work at McDonalds when you've reached your end.



ps. Yes, I do find the irony in my blogging while at work. Alas, at least I'm not on Facebook like the rest of my coworkers 10 years my senior. =)

So, even though it's been ages since 2009, it's tradition for me to fill out this one survey. Tradition as in: I've been doing it annually since 2004. Here it is:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
- I bought a gorilla suit, I wore said gorilla suit, I became part of the Secret Tower Club, I graduated high school, I managed three jobs at the same time, and I went on vacation without adults.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- I don't make resolutions
3. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
- fame. fortune. success, a feeling of self worth. a niche.
4. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- march 9th; when I became legendary. march 24 -31; trip to disneyland with heather.april 8th; the day I drove up to canada to 'see a movie' with ill intentions and learned you can't force fate, and whilst you can prepare for it there's no use trying tyo beat the system.
5. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder?
- happier
thinner or fatter?
- thinner actually
richer or poorer?
- definitely richer
6. What was your favorite TV program?
- I kind of stopped watching TV for the sake of the show. Either I turn it on and leave the room or I occupy myself with something else. But I did LOVE the Long Way Down documentary.
7. What was your greatest musical discovery?
- this sound ridiculous, but owl city, eddie vedder, and the rediscovery of one republic.
8. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
- oh what a question to ask! te year I saw over 100 movies in the cinema. but, here goes: sherlock holmes, the imaginarium of dr. parnassus, land of the lost, up in the air, the men who stare at goats, up, transformers II, across the universe (didn't come out this year, but it's the first time i saw it...), inglorious basterds.
9. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
- it went completely downhill in comparison to 2008, but i'm rectifying that.
10. Who was the best new person you befriended?
- i didn't befriend anyone.